Thursday, April 28, 2011

Lamentations 3: 20-29

Remember my affliction and my wandering, the (Y)wormwood and bitterness.
20Surely (Z)my soul remembers
And is (AA)bowed down within me.
21This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have (AB)hope.
22The LORD'S (AC)lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
(AD)For His compassions never fail.
23They are new (AE)every morning;
Great is (AF)Your faithfulness.
24"The LORD is my (AG)portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I (AH)have hope in Him."
25The LORD is good to those who (AI)wait for Him,
To the person who (AJ)seeks Him.
26It is good that he (AK)waits silently
For the salvation of the LORD.
27It is good for a man that he should bear
The yoke in his youth.
28Let him (AL)sit alone and be silent
Since He has laid it on him.
29Let him put his mouth in the (AM)dust,
Perhaps there is (AN)hope.

I don't even understand this passage. I don't know how anyone can wait silently. What does that really mean? I can pretend I'm not hurting. Lord, your going to hear about it! I'm not good at waiting, but who is? I"m not good at being silent. I'm loud in thought, song and opinion. I'm prideful. I'm mindful of Job and what the Lord said to him.

Job 40: 1-14

1Then the LORD said to Job,
2"Will the faultfinder (A)contend with the Almighty?
Let him who (B)reproves God answer it."

3Then Job answered the LORD and said,
4"Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You?
I (C)lay my hand on my mouth.
5"Once I have spoken, and (D)I will not answer;
Even twice, and I will add nothing more."

God Questions Job
6Then the (E)LORD answered Job out of the storm and said,
7"Now (F)gird up your loins like a man;
I will (G)ask you, and you instruct Me.
8"Will you really (H)annul My judgment?
Will you (I)condemn Me (J)that you may be justified?
9"Or do you have an arm like God,
And can you (K)thunder with a voice like His?
10"(L)Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity,
And clothe yourself with honor and majesty.
11"Pour out (M)the overflowings of your anger,
And look on everyone who is (N)proud, and make him low.
12"Look on everyone who is proud, and (O)humble him,
And (P)tread down the wicked where they stand.
13"(Q)Hide them in the dust together;
Bind them in the hidden place.
14"Then I will also confess to you,
That your own right hand can save you.

All these things are true. But.... I'm not there yet. I'm still crying every day when I open His word. I have a hard time praying. Having the composure to pray anything, but "Help me God!" or "I really wanted him. Why did you take him from me?" I know the truth in my head. My heart needs to follow.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Disapointment, Love and Faith

Dear baby,
For some reason I know you were going to be a boy. Call it mother's intuition. Maybe that's why we affectionately called you Roscoe (just a pet name, you understand). I don't know why you had to leave so early. I don't blame you. I would love to see Jesus too. Imagine Him being the first person I ever saw! How merciful and fantastic that would be. But why even come in the first place and make us attached to you? I don't understand that. I feel tired from thinking about it. I lose my appetite when I see the numbers on the calendar, marking each new week of your growth inside me. I should have written them in pencil.
I am still cramping, trying to heal and physically move on. My mind is trying to get over everything that I learned about your development... up til now. I'm glad that I saw you inside of me. I needed that little glimpse, even though you had already left. I have cried a lot. I needed to cry. I talk about you a lot to many people. It's only right to talk about my baby.
Your daddy is a fantastic person. I wish you could have have met him. He would have made you into a mechanic, fruit tree-grafting, builder, and jack of all trades. You would have rolled your eyes at all of his dumb jokes and grinned as he tried to start the campfire with nothing but the sparks flying off the car battery. But I guess your not really missing much, really. We love you but you are perfect and whole as you are now. Jesus is taking you to the park and your riding that one crazy roller coaster that I am just sure is up there somewhere.

I miss you and will continue to miss you. I don't fondly pat my tummy anymore. But don't worry about me little man, you will have siblings some day for mommy to feed organic veggies and flaxseed to. You will roll your eyes at my healthy concoctions and thank God you can eat whatever you want while your brothers and sisters suffer down here with mom, he he. There is hope, I can feel it. There is disappointment too. There is love, from us to you, and there is faith; that somehow this will make us whole, better. Love,
Momma b