An Expectation

We have an expectation.
Grace is not even mentioned.
We expect to receive what we think we deserve.

We condemn those that receive rain when they deserve famine
"We deserve rain!"
He says, "Nope. You all deserve hell."

Grace has nothing to do with "Human rights".
He sees Jesus; what He did in our place.
Good people do not exist; sorry, we were born that way.

But that's when the good part comes.
Jesus' grace is free, really, grace is not earned!
We should all expect hell; instead He gave us Himself.

Since no one deserves any good thing
no one is beyond saving.
We are all in the same boat. All of us.

So this is what I've learned
from heartache; I'm stepping forward
I ache more for truth, yet I'm afraid of what I'll find

Healing is the beginning
joy is found in knowing; while waiting.
peace is knowing that while waiting... He's not sleeping.

He's awake and triumphant.
Slashing through darkness with a machete of piercing truth.
Can I have some of your truth my Lord?
Humbly I wait... for truth to come and stab my darkness with blinding perfection.


I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
out of the miry clay

And I will sing
sing a new song
yes I will sing
sing a new song

Lamentations 3: 20-29

Remember my affliction and my wandering, the ^(Y)wormwood and bitterness.
²⁰Surely ^(Z)my soul remembers
And is ^(AA)bowed down within me.
²¹This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have ^(AB)hope.
²²The LORD'S ^(AC)lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
^(AD)For His compassions never fail.
²³They are new ^(AE)every morning;
Great is ^(AF)Your faithfulness.
²⁴"The LORD is my ^(AG)portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I ^(AH)have hope in Him."
²⁵The LORD is good to those who ^(AI)wait for Him,
To the person who ^(AJ)seeks Him.
²⁶It is good that he ^(AK)waits silently
For the salvation of the LORD.
²⁷It is good for a man that he should bear
The yoke in his youth.
²⁸Let him ^(AL)sit alone and be silent
Since He has laid it on him.
²⁹Let him put his mouth in the ^(AM)dust,
Perhaps there is ^(AN)hope.

I don't even understand this passage. I don't know how anyone can wait silently. What does that really mean? I can pretend I'm not hurting. Lord, your going to hear about it! I'm not good at waiting, but who is? I"m not good at being silent. I'm loud in thought, song and opinion. I'm prideful. I'm mindful of Job and what the Lord said to him.


Job 40: 1-14


¹Then the LORD said to Job,
²"Will the faultfinder ^(A)contend with the Almighty?
Let him who ^(B)reproves God answer it."

³Then Job answered the LORD and said,
⁴"Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You?
I ^(C)lay my hand on my mouth.
⁵"Once I have spoken, and ^(D)I will not answer;
Even twice, and I will add nothing more."

God Questions Job

⁶Then the ^(E)LORD answered Job out of the storm and said,
⁷"Now ^(F)gird up your loins like a man;
I will ^(G)ask you, and you instruct Me.
⁸"Will you really ^(H)annul My judgment?
Will you ^(I)condemn Me ^(J)that you may be justified?
⁹"Or do you have an arm like God,
And can you ^(K)thunder with a voice like His?
¹⁰"^(L)Adorn yourself with eminence and dignity,
And clothe yourself with honor and majesty.
¹¹"Pour out ^(M)the overflowings of your anger,
And look on everyone who is ^(N)proud, and make him low.
¹²"Look on everyone who is proud, and ^(O)humble him,
And ^(P)tread down the wicked where they stand.
¹³"^(Q)Hide them in the dust together;
Bind them in the hidden place.
¹⁴"Then I will also confess to you,
That your own right hand can save you.

All these things are true. But.... I'm not there yet. I'm still crying every day when I open His word. I have a hard time praying. Having the composure to pray anything, but "Help me God!" or "I really wanted him. Why did you take him from me?" I know the truth in my head. My heart needs to follow.

Disapointment, Love and Faith

Dear baby,
For some reason I know you were going to be a boy. Call it mother's intuition. Maybe that's why we affectionately called you Roscoe (just a pet name, you understand). I don't know why you had to leave so early. I don't blame you. I would love to see Jesus too. Imagine Him being the first person I ever saw! How merciful and fantastic that would be. But why even come in the first place and make us attached to you? I don't understand that. I feel tired from thinking about it. I lose my appetite when I see the numbers on the calendar, marking each new week of your growth inside me. I should have written them in pencil.
I am still cramping, trying to heal and physically move on. My mind is trying to get over everything that I learned about your development... up til now. I'm glad that I saw you inside of me. I needed that little glimpse, even though you had already left. I have cried a lot. I needed to cry. I talk about you a lot to many people. It's only right to talk about my baby.
Your daddy is a fantastic person. I wish you could have have met him. He would have made you into a mechanic, fruit tree-grafting, builder, and jack of all trades. You would have rolled your eyes at all of his dumb jokes and grinned as he tried to start the campfire with nothing but the sparks flying off the car battery. But I guess your not really missing much, really. We love you but you are perfect and whole as you are now. Jesus is taking you to the park and your riding that one crazy roller coaster that I am just sure is up there somewhere.
I miss you and will continue to miss you. I don't fondly pat my tummy anymore. But don't worry about me little man, you will have siblings some day for mommy to feed organic veggies and flaxseed to. You will roll your eyes at my healthy concoctions and thank God you can eat whatever you want while your brothers and sisters suffer down here with mom, he he. There is hope, I can feel it. There is disappointment too. There is love, from us to you, and there is faith; that somehow this will make us whole, better. Love,
Momma b

Sick

I'm tired of getting sick every month. For those of you who read this semi regularly. It's about time I updated.

For a few years, several years ago, I went through a "martyr kick". I read about martyrs, bought Foxe's book of Martyrs, got the magazine, a weekly e-newsletter, and dreamt about being a martyr someday. Sometimes I would lament during a particular illness "I'm such a baby now, how will I ever stand up in the face of persecutors wanting to destroy me?" It may sound funny, but such was my passion.

My body has not been functioning at peak capacity since I said "I Do", or since we moved into this duplex, ( I don't know which one). If there is a germ to be nurtured and multiplied, I will be the one to do it. I used to get sick once or twice a yr. Don't believe me? Well neither does my new doctor. He told me. "I'm a firm believer in "An Apple a Day..." " Well," I said, "I eat tons of fruits and veggies and it hasn't seemed to keep you away yet." (yes, we are getting the duct work completely cleaned out and the house has been tested for mold).

Praise to the Lord the almighty who gives and takes away. The only God our Savior, who "does not owe us anything" (c.a.Zull) (borrowing that one from Crystal).
How can we say to our maker.."Why did you make me this way? " We are the clay.... let's be mushable! He knows how to make us into a vessel usable for him. Let's let him.
Martyrdom always seemed glorious to me. The highest calling possible. There are some that would disagree. I'm still not sure what I think. I do know that even though I would love to functioning normally again, I am thankful for so many things.

• Jesus is good and will remain good despite me or how many times I get sick.
• He has given me a wonderful husband. I could not have asked for better.
• I will heal and learn of his goodness in the meantime.
• even when I don't believe Him, He is still trustworthy.
• If feeling under the weather, gets me on my knees, bring it on.
• If it will induce more people to pray for me and my ministry... ok!

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty the King of Creation! Surly his goodness and mercy will daily sustain me. This post is a prayer and a cry for prayer. I am daily fighting against discouragement. I am encouraged by so many people, so many circumstances, and by my Jesus.

The Finest moments of 2010

Pictures speak louder then words. They scream. I bet I can say absolutely nothing about any of these pictures and you will know exactly what is going on. So whoever can guess what the significance of all these pictures are correctly, will get a jar of homemade apple butter from the Dickinsons. love to you all!
I am dependent upon the love and mercy of Jesus. Ephesians 3: 14-21

Journal

I started journaling when I was six years old. Back then, the compositions were short and sweet. Something like... "It's hot. My brothers are mean to me. I wish it were not hot. "
As time went on, the entries became longer, more dramatic, and full of whimsical charm. During my "innocent and sweet" years, (jr high-ish) I was particularly interested in a journal to my future husband. Now that I have a husband, I decided to give him my journal for his sentimental enjoyment and (I admit it) hilarious amusement.

While I was out of town a couple weeks ago, Brent decided to read my gift to him before he went to bed. He told me about a few entries. "We were meant to be, b!" (he calls me "b"). "Why do you say that?" I asked him. He told me about a certain entry I had made at 14 yrs old. Something about how much I loved fall and winter best (out of all the seasons), and how it must be because I was born in the winter. I went on from there to say I wanted my future hubby to be born in January. "I just think that would be perfect." I didn't believe my ears! Me, like winter? What's to like? Want my hubby to be born in January? Seriously! Well, Brent's birthday (as you might have guessed) is January 15th. As I thought back to those whimsical, naive years, I can't help but wonder if God was not completely in love with my pure faith and hope. Before I realized that prince charming was not real. Before, "reality" sunk in about boys.... He knew and answered a silly little hope of an 8th grade girl. Even though I couldn't care less when my husband was born now... it mattered to Jesus that 14 yr old Bethany Kathleen Zull, wanted a winter man. I may have grown up quite a bit since then. I may have gotten quite cynical.... but...
looking back (reading back) on my child-like faith. It gives me hope. It send shivers up my spine, actually. God really really cares, about the big and the little things. Be blessed, have hope, love, and know your are loved. Journal, pray, thank the Lord for your man or woman. God actually listens to our inmost thoughts. Your wish might actually come true :) Gasp!

Wedding Pictures

http://www.pictage.com/914856
The above link will take you to our wedding pics. Many people have asked me for access to them so here ya go! I am super impressed with them myself. Wandering Heart Photography w/ Sarah Wilson!